____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He? As in you personified your dick?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
