I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
