Swine flu is the new snow day.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
