Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
