im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
