New invention idea: vibrating tampons
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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