If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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