I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
