You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
