There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She told me I should be a condom model.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
