yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
