My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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