dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
