You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
