I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
