I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
