I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
