I have demons in me.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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