This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
