I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you never un-have a 4some
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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