My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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