i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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