I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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