i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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