I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
