no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
