does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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