I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
