I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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