Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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