um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
