the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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