Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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