Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
