Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
