i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
