Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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