last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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