If i come over, it means nothing
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I faked an abortion last night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
