why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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