I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
