I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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