dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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