there was a trapeze. enough said
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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