I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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