your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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