I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
only you would photoshop your dick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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