i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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