I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
