note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
