i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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