I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's Friday. Sex?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
