I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
