sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
