I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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