were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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