The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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